Small dissection..

As you'll see in the definition of the word 'Schloomph' - it is basically an intense form of laziness. Ok, maybe not constantly intense. You can schloomph on a train (if you're on the circle line, at, well... any time of the day... you can't help but schloomph. It's a bloody slow train). You can schloomph at work (yes, even in open plan offices! Trust me!). You really can schloomph anywhere, if you try hard enough - hold on... if you DON'T try hard enough..

So far my ideal schloomph scenario involves...

1) Clothing:
Men's pajama bottoms (the stripey kind preferably - and cotton) and whatever is easiest to pull over my head when dressing, which involves no maintenance or checkage (checkage - for any bits hanging out that shouldn't - you never know when your stalker will take up his post or whether or not you'll have had the energy to close the curtains once you realise you have reflective glass, it's dark out and your lights are on - been there.. not good). This is of course my preference. You are welcome to do this naked if you have managed to get the curtains drawn and the door firmly bolted.

2) Temperature:
Coolish. In cold countries, turn the heat down a little, and in hot countries... turn the AC up a tad more than necessary. The idea is to get snuggly and comfs. If you don't have the option to control the temperature.. I don't know what to say to you. Sorry. I just can't relate to not having temperature control as an option. It's like telling me that chocolate is fattening. I mean really. Ridiculous.

3) Furniture:
Anything you can recline on really. No trendy leather couches with sharp lines and artistic curves that you slide off. Schloomphing is not for the pretentious!! (although - they do exist.. but it's very hush hush). You need big, overstuffed granny couches if possible. IKEA have a fabulous one in this corduroy type material - sounds hideous, I know... but just you wait till your bum has had the pleasure of being up close and personal with those cushions - let me know if you need the link. Also, Corricroft have some good ones, as do Harvey Norman. All depends on which country you're in really. And your budget of course. But remember. Schloomphing has no price tag.
Bed will also do. Again - MUST be comfy. None of this sleeper couch nonsense or futon (really - people still own those?!?)

Now - if you are unable to come right with the couch/bed/rug - you may still be ok. Your duvet and pillows may be able to get you outa your pickle. Duvet needs to be large. And cuddly. I cannot stress this enough. If you get too hot, adjust the temperature of the room - this shouldn't happen though, as very minimal physical activity will be occurring.

4) Sustenance:
Whatever the hell you like! Food is generally ALWAYS involved. Typically not of the healthy variety. Drinks.. well this all depends on the events leading up to a Schloomph. Some people are happy with a cup of tea/hot chocolate while others often need to add a little vodka (ok sometimes a little more than a little.. yes YOU Cookie Monster!) Cookies - duhh - undecided as to whether a schloomphing session can be referred to as such without the presence of cookies.

Anywhooo - any junk food is good. Even if you aren't eating it. Have it at hand. If you are a right health freak then FINE - have whatever you like.. but so help you GOD you better not be on a futon!!

5) Events:
As little as possible. Of course marathon series watching is a child of schloomph.. so anything from Gossip Girl to 24 is good. Although, maybe give 24 a skip.. too much concentration needed. Something you can fall asleep during and after an hour and a half still know what's happening is the way forward. Cookie Monster loves the soaps. I love ripping off the bad acting. So this is not a good choice for me. Too much energy involved.

The choice is yours really. Generally anything you can do while lying down. There are exceptions.


Shoo - that was so very much more typing that I was expecting. May need a short schloomph to recover..

By now you should be well on your way to the ultimate state of being. Let me know how it works out...